Contemplation (16/10/13)

Finally a non-poem.

Sometimes I think about ten years from now. 

Where do I live? A house, or a cramped apartment? Did I go back home and (god forbid) I’m still living with my parents? I probably have a cat. No, two cats. A black one and a chocolate brown one, and knowing me I’ve named them something silly, probably after fictional characters. That’s comforting – I know, that wherever I end up, I’m going to have cats.

Are you in my life? I can’t tell. I want to know how I feel about you in ten years – is it the same? Different? Did I get over you? Do I hear your name and cringe, wishing I could bury it along with all the feelings I ever felt for you?

Maybe I’ll be successful. Maybe not. Maybe publishers think my work is the worst trash they’ve ever come across. Maybe they think it’s a literary gold mine. Maybe one company is nice enough to print a limited run and I keep most of the books in my cramped apartment in cardboard boxes and my first dates always involve a ‘would you like a copy of my novel?’

Maybe I have someone  who makes me feel special and makes me forget about the leaking ceiling and the rowdy neighbour who lives upstairs, and buys multiple copies of my book behind my back and doesn’t tell me until I find them in the closet.

Perhaps I still play Lifehouse and Taylor Swift too loudly so I can’t hear the rapping on my door when I get pizza delivered. Am I the kind of person who orders pizza? Have I got that busy a life that I have to have my food delivered to my door, or do I still strain my arm muscles with bulging carrier bags and do all the handles still cut into my skin?

What’s my job? Am I a teacher like I always thought I would be? Or did I go into publishing? What’s my career? Have I earnt enough to keep me writing full time? Does my heart sink every time I check my statement as my student loan drains away my extra funds? Do I go out and splash out on nights with friends, or do I still sit at home and watch Star Wars over and over again, and then watch it backwards just because I can?

Will I have any idea what the hell I’m doing?