Back to Life (25/11/13)

You were there when I needed you most.

I pined for him though I knew I shouldn’t,
And you, you’re taking it all away.
I feel my love for him ebb away like a receding tide,
The water of my heart flooding into your being.

He showed me a closed door;
He tried to show me the stars.
But you, you opened the door and led me through
And I touched the stars with my fingertips.
Because of you.

I used to get lost in his smile
Now I trace my path in your life.
You breathe, I perish, and you revive me
Just like the way you always come back.

I’d follow you across the universe
And I’d see the galaxy in your smile.
But I’ll stay, I’ll linger here
And I’ll always be quietly grateful.

A Box in the Attic (16/11/13)

I know I’ll grow out of you someday.

I’ll wrap you up in tissue paper
And place you in a box
I’ll lock that box
And hide it in the attic of my heart
Never to be opened again
But always to be treasured.

I will see the wooden shape of your casket and I will smile.
I’ll take your memories of me and burn them
Along with mine in a china bowl.

Maybe the scent of the smoke will cure me
And I’ll forget about how I open the box
I’ll forget the combination
But I’ll go on keeping you safe
Because you helped to fix me
And I can only preserve you.

As long as I live
I will know that it was you.
I’ll smile when I think of our shared secret
And I’ll shelve and prize it along with you.

Red String (14/11/13)

It led to you.

I was so sure. I followed the string, blind and hopeful, and I thought it would end at your hand. I clutched at it and it slipped through my fingers and sliced my skin, but I gripped it tightly anyway, and I pulled myself towards you and climbed that cliff. I’m scared of heights but the thought of you kept me going, and I kept looking down and I knew I would end up at the bottom but I kept my grip tight and prayed for a helping hand. I wished so hard, I kept my eyes on you, and I never noticed the great knot in the string, the one that jammed my safety harness, and I wondered why I was stuck. It was only when the string frayed and I fell and broke my back that I saw you clearly, I saw you through eyes more open than ever, and I saw the remains of the knot and I understood. I’ll lie here for a while, while you call down to me and ask what’s wrong, but I won’t tell you, I’ll just pretend that I pulled a muscle and that it doesn’t hurt as much as it does. I’ll heal one day and I’m so glad that I never climbed that extra ten metres and got to you, because I know you’d push me off without even realising and I’d break so much more than just my back. We got our strings crossed, and I thought I was meant to follow mine to you, but now I see that it just got tangled with yours and it’s stretching far, far away into the distance and I can’t see the end.

Cracks (14/11/13)

For so long I looked for a crack.

I ran my eyes over your flawless form
And looked desperately for a blemish.
I found nothing.

My hands shook as I hoped there was something
A little break, a scuff, a mark
Somewhere on you, in you, of you
You never noticed me looking
So I never told you why.

Then one day I found your cracks.
But they were horrific.
I pressed my fingers to the jagged edges
And I pressed
And I dug
And I pulled back your flawless curtain
And I saw the way you really are.

I have the pieces in my hands now.
I shattered my perfect dream of you.
It will hurt for a little while
But the pieces will build another love
A better love
Covered in cracks that I can see
But cracks that are not as deep
As the cracks that ran inside of you.

Misunderstanding Love (14/11/13)

“You misunderstand love.”

I know it better than you ever will.

My heart burned with a fiery passion
That I cannot bear
And it hurt me till I wept for mercy
That is love.

The couple together for fifty years
Who still kiss every night
In case one never wakes.
That is love.

I see the beauty in that woman’s eyes
As she clutches her wife’s hand
She’s never smiled more warmly.
That is love.

That child can’t run but his dog can.
He can’t see, but his friend sees for him
And I never saw more trust.
That is love.

The fights of a daughter and her mother
Because she’s a disappointment.
But who is it she clings to and cries her heart out
Because no one else will listen?
That is love.

Their house burned down
The next day
Inundated with donations.
That is love.

I know love.
It has beaten me down and torn me to pieces
It has raised me up and my heart is swollen
I am so terrified of being without it
But I can’t find it for me.
You didn’t open my eyes to love.
You closed them. 

What hurts the most
Is being told that
Your life
is a misunderstanding
All I ever wanted to do
Was spread love.
Hand it out like change to beggars on the street
Who wallow in their loneliness.
And you tell me I’ve got it wrong.
The only thing I ever got wrong about love
Was thinking I was in love with you.

You say I’m confused
But I know the truth.
Simply that the window of my view
Is not as narrow as yours.

I Looked for God (12/11/13)

One day I thought I would lose my faith
So I went looking for God.
Sitting on a pew in that empty church
Five hours came and went
I left without a change.

Didn’t do much to cry to a priest
Who told me that God works in ways
That I could not possibly understand.

Mary was younger than me
And she had purpose.
I have nothing.
I only have whispers of a dream.

I read the book again
Pored over the pages till my eyes were sore
I didn’t find the answer there.

I asked for an answer
I received nothing.
I stopped looking for God.
He wasn’t there.

A week, gone. I felt alone
And locked myself away
Took off the cross from round my neck
And hid it right away.

And then He came.

A photograph.
A happy pair.
I saw the way she looked at her
And I knew God was there.

A simple kiss
A tiny smile
A joyful tear
An answered prayer

I went looking for God in every place
But He was always here.

 

A Letter to You (11/11/13)

To You

I might be confusing sometimes, and it’s OK to think that. Sometimes I say nothing to you for weeks on end because I’m so scared that I’m clinging too much to you, and sometimes I think that I talk too much so I try and shut myself up. I might stare at your face while you’re talking and not hear a word, but I still love what you say, but I don’t get much opportunity to appreciate the way your mouth moves while you’re talking and how your eyes are the only ones that I want to see the darkest parts of me. If I laugh too hard, it’s because I love you, and if I walk home crying it’s because some things are too perfect for me to hold and you are one of them. I pull at my hair when I ask you a question and it’s because I’m terrified, so terrified, that you will never love me in the way I love you, and I search in the darkest corners of my brain to find a new Muse but I never will. I’ll type until my fingers bleed and I’ll smile until my cheeks break with the strain and I’ll love you until my light goes out. If I could press my lips to yours, I would, and if I could touch your hand with mine, I would. I will glance at you over the rim of my cup and wish desperately that you were mine, and you will laugh and talk on, sweetly oblivious as you always are. I will hear myself in the ‘I love you’ but you will not be there in the ‘I know’, though I wish you were. You may have been made by God’s hand but He did not make you for me, you are the expensive model that I can only gaze upon and wonder what it would be like to touch. He meant to put love for you in another girl, all of it in another girl, and some fell over the other girls and it trickled into the hearts of me and her, and we will go on wishing for you because God willed you for another person. Maybe one day I’ll find someone better than you, but I don’t want to know him because I want to know you. I will carve my heart into a beautiful masterpiece and hand it to you, but you will not take it, and gently tell me that you appreciate the gesture. You might break my heart but you’ll be blindfolded, and you’ll think you’re mending me when you’re only making the cracks run deeper. 

From Me

The Third Person (10/11/2013

She tells her that she loves him.

She doesn’t move
But her heart falls to the floor
And she watches it judder to a halt.

Force a smile
So much sympathy.
“It sucks when they don’t like you back!”
Doesn’t she know.

Does she pursue?
Does she dare?
Can she hurt her?

If only she could let go
She would help her.
But she can’t.
And she won’t.
And she’ll never tell.