Red String (14/11/13)

It led to you.

I was so sure. I followed the string, blind and hopeful, and I thought it would end at your hand. I clutched at it and it slipped through my fingers and sliced my skin, but I gripped it tightly anyway, and I pulled myself towards you and climbed that cliff. I’m scared of heights but the thought of you kept me going, and I kept looking down and I knew I would end up at the bottom but I kept my grip tight and prayed for a helping hand. I wished so hard, I kept my eyes on you, and I never noticed the great knot in the string, the one that jammed my safety harness, and I wondered why I was stuck. It was only when the string frayed and I fell and broke my back that I saw you clearly, I saw you through eyes more open than ever, and I saw the remains of the knot and I understood. I’ll lie here for a while, while you call down to me and ask what’s wrong, but I won’t tell you, I’ll just pretend that I pulled a muscle and that it doesn’t hurt as much as it does. I’ll heal one day and I’m so glad that I never climbed that extra ten metres and got to you, because I know you’d push me off without even realising and I’d break so much more than just my back. We got our strings crossed, and I thought I was meant to follow mine to you, but now I see that it just got tangled with yours and it’s stretching far, far away into the distance and I can’t see the end.

Cracks (14/11/13)

For so long I looked for a crack.

I ran my eyes over your flawless form
And looked desperately for a blemish.
I found nothing.

My hands shook as I hoped there was something
A little break, a scuff, a mark
Somewhere on you, in you, of you
You never noticed me looking
So I never told you why.

Then one day I found your cracks.
But they were horrific.
I pressed my fingers to the jagged edges
And I pressed
And I dug
And I pulled back your flawless curtain
And I saw the way you really are.

I have the pieces in my hands now.
I shattered my perfect dream of you.
It will hurt for a little while
But the pieces will build another love
A better love
Covered in cracks that I can see
But cracks that are not as deep
As the cracks that ran inside of you.

Misunderstanding Love (14/11/13)

“You misunderstand love.”

I know it better than you ever will.

My heart burned with a fiery passion
That I cannot bear
And it hurt me till I wept for mercy
That is love.

The couple together for fifty years
Who still kiss every night
In case one never wakes.
That is love.

I see the beauty in that woman’s eyes
As she clutches her wife’s hand
She’s never smiled more warmly.
That is love.

That child can’t run but his dog can.
He can’t see, but his friend sees for him
And I never saw more trust.
That is love.

The fights of a daughter and her mother
Because she’s a disappointment.
But who is it she clings to and cries her heart out
Because no one else will listen?
That is love.

Their house burned down
The next day
Inundated with donations.
That is love.

I know love.
It has beaten me down and torn me to pieces
It has raised me up and my heart is swollen
I am so terrified of being without it
But I can’t find it for me.
You didn’t open my eyes to love.
You closed them. 

What hurts the most
Is being told that
Your life
is a misunderstanding
All I ever wanted to do
Was spread love.
Hand it out like change to beggars on the street
Who wallow in their loneliness.
And you tell me I’ve got it wrong.
The only thing I ever got wrong about love
Was thinking I was in love with you.

You say I’m confused
But I know the truth.
Simply that the window of my view
Is not as narrow as yours.