Maybe one day there’ll be a microphone in my face
And they’ll clamour to know who the words are about.
Maybe one day I’ll hand you that little black book
Filled up with words about you
And even though I won’t love you any more
My love shall still bleed off the page
Like a freshly broken heart
Like a leaking, loose-lipped pen
Like a relic of my lost reality.
I dredged up that tiny bit of love
And told you the most painful truth.
Be happy. Be loved. Find her.
I turned away and began to rebuild my life.
Filled in the spaces you’d carved out
And blocked in the shape of your shadow.
I didn’t even begin to think
That you were doing your own filling in.
You found happiness.
I spread mortar across a brick
And filled in the gaps some more.
I didn’t notice at first.
You found love.
I still had my torch, peering into the dark
And looking for a new distraction.
You found her.
I told you that you would, one day,
Though I didn’t think it would be so soon.
I thought I was done with you
when I saw
The window shattered
And you fell back into my life
Back into the cell of my mind
An unwanted guest
And the door was locked
The window too high
And I was so broken and tired
So I could not throw you out.
I can’t stop running, though I don’t try to halt.
I think God understands that I need time
And I think He’ll wait for me there
Until the clock has ticked
And I can face it all again.
To see that sight would break me down
Send me back to where I started.
My footsteps don’t echo on the staircase
Because I no longer tread there.
One day I’ll burst through that door
And God will know that I am healed.
I wait not for His hand to fix me
Because I need to mend myself.
One day I’ll stare up at the cross
And I’ll know that I am right.
But now I feel so wrong, so guilty
And so humiliated in my love.
I shall wait until the tide recedes.
God knows that I wait for my love to disappear.
God knows that I hurt at the thought of those eyes.
God knows that I cannot set foot into that sanctuary
Because it’s not only my holy ground, it’s yours.
I cannot show my faith
Because my love
Keeps me away.