This Is What I Know. (24/10/14)

I can feel you slipping away.
Your hand is holding mine,
But it is no longer yours.
It is a shadow made of manners
And your desire to avoid conflict.
I feel myself cling to it
Because I don’t know any better.

You will not share your happiness with me
But you will share your sadness,
Because you know that I will say
That although you may be broken,
I think that you are beautiful.
And I will tell you this
Because I don’t know any better.

Depression is the Devil on Your Shoulder (And He is Always There) (9/10/14)

He is always there and he hurts me.
I kick and punch and slap and scream
But I am the one who has the wind knocked from them.

He is always there and he taunts me.
I paint pictures over him to hide his face
But he rips them apart soon enough.
I make pretty things and he takes them,
Raises his eyebrows at me and says
“Why? What is the point of this?”

He is always there and he holds me.
Comes to me at 3am when I cannot sleep
And strokes my hair like a lover
While he breathes monstrosities into my brain.

He is always there and he follows me.
To quiet lunches and crowded clubs
He stands in the corner by the bar
And as I take my drinks he grabs me.
“They don’t care,” he says and nods at them,
Friends standing by the table.
“I am the only one who cares,” he says
And leaves me there in the dark.

He is always there and he kills me.
Drains the light from my smile
Till all there is is a grimace.
He breaks my bones one by one
Until I spill my deepest secrets
To the one who I thought might vanquish him
The one who I thought might rescue me
The one who I thought might take me away.
But he laughs at my naivety
For nothing will keep him from me.

He is always there and he loves me.
He makes me promises that I know he will keep.
“I will always be right here.”
“I will always be with you.”
“I am never going to leave.”
All the things I thought I wanted to hear
But I’d give anything for him to be silent.

Academy Award for Best Awkward Movie (6/10/14)

I don’t want love that spirals from a script.
I want wooden, stilted dialogue
I want the critics to hate us
I want badly-drawn clichés
And I want jokes that nobody gets
Because we improvise
Because we don’t know what we’re doing
Because I am bad with words when they are not written
Because we aren’t on a silver screen
Because we are here and we are now and we are so alive.
I don’t want to live in a monochrome world
I want you and your glorious technicolour.

Jigsaw (3/10/14)

I am a mess of chewed up pieces
And some of them are lost.
Far flung, under carpets, behind sofas
On waves of heartbreak toss’d.

No peace until I find them all
Wherever they are scattered
I’ve been incomplete since the day
My heart fell fast and shattered.

I found a piece, a perfect one
With no dents or tears to see
Tried to fit you into my space
But you weren’t the piece for me.