Spiders (30/12/2015)

I found some rough poems on my phone when I went through deleting things the other day. This one is a few months old, and I had intended to refine it, but there’s no point now, so I’ll just post it as it is.

I call them spiders.
Scratching, whispering
Intrusive thoughts.

They’ll hide from everybody else
But not from me.
Sometimes I’ll forget they’re there
And then a reminder:


I can’t drive them out.
They won’t leave
But for you, they’ll quieten.
Spiders die in my brain
And butterflies bloom in my stomach
When you look at me.

And sometimes
When you’ve kissed my lips until they’re sore
And said the sweetest things of all
They’ll hush.
Just for a moment.
Because I never felt this happy
That it could drown out all my sorrows
Even for a split second.

And we lie there
Skin on skin
And you ask me what I’m thinking about
And I say


And it’s perfect.

Because in those brief moments
There are no spiders
No skittering legs
No frenzied whispers
No you’re not good enoughs
You’re no cure, but this bliss
Will keep me fighting
And I can finally appreciate
The beauty in the silence

Apology (28/12/15)

I’m sorry for causing a scene.
I’m sorry for all the times I cried
On you
When it was on the shoulders of your friends
When it was into my pillow because I thought I’d lost you
When it was into my pillow when I finally lost you.

I’m sorry for being angry.
I’m sorry for all the times I yelled
At you
When I thought you wouldn’t read my work
When I got grumpy for no damn reason
When I had nothing left to lose.

I’m sorry for ending it like this.
I’m sorry for lying when I have to
Leave you
When I said I’d still be there for you
When I forgot for a second how much it hurt me
When I said that it was all okay.

I’m sorry for not being enough.
I’m sorry for trying because I was in love
With you
When I tried to be everything you wanted
When I tried to be the best you’d ever had
When I still couldn’t hold onto you.

I’m sorry for not being something you’ll miss.
I’m sorry for having to go on now
Without you
When I realised you had no hope for us
When I realised you wouldn’t fight for us
When I realised I’d never be able to save us.

Red/Blue (27/12/15)

Shout-out to Halsey and her song ‘Colors’ for the inspiration behind this quick piece.

I was red and you were blue
Together we made a lilac hue.

They always tell you that red means rage
And impassioned desire that belongs on a stage.

But red is the colour of the fire of anxiety
And of my lips after you’d been kissing me

You were as blue as the sky in your eyes
The calm and the strong and the sweet and the wise

You could calm the flames in me
You made me happy, made me free

I wrote sonnets about our love
You’d hold me tight when things got tough.

Then I was blue and you were red.
And it was purple which would strike this dead.

We weren’t the same shade as before
I wondered if that meant that I loved you more.

I was ocean, you were sunset
You touched me the first day we met.

But I swallowed you beneath my waves
And now our memories lie in watery graves.

The evening was always bound to end.
But I’ll never see the sun again.

Because red is the colour that tells you to stop.
Blue is the colour of worried tears that drop.

Red is the colour that made us end.
Blue is the colour that cries but can’t mend.

I’ll scream my love into a black, boiling sea
Because I loved you more than you loved me.

I Wear Dresses Now. (20/12/15)

There’s a clock at Waterloo station
And I always waited for you there
After ages doing my makeup
And deciding what to wear.

Always covered up in jeans
And shirts that hid my stomach’s sag.
I’d finger skirts in the clothing stores,
But I’d never bother looking at the price tag.

You made me feel beautiful
And I felt like I could wear that dress.
Pulled it off the hanger and hoped
That this time I wouldn’t be a mess.

I hoped and prayed you’d like that dress.
Didn’t own many before you.
I have seven now, mostly black
But I have a soft spot for the Prussian blue.

Leaned against you in a pizza place
Mumbled that it was for you
You told me that it was lovely
And that I was lovely too.

I wore a black dress when you
Gave me that Hungerford Bridge kiss
I found that dress the other day
Remembered that quiet, perfect bliss.

There’s a clock at Waterloo station
And I will always grieve for how
We fell apart, and that you won’t see,
Because of you, I wear dresses now.

Ohne Dich (Without You) (15/12/15)

I always thought of German as familiar and romantic but I guess it is also a good language for when you want to scream the house down when you are in the worst kind of emotional pain.

Ohne dich
All I can see is black
Ohne dich
I am lost here in this darkness
Ohne dich
Why would you leave me like this
Ohne dich
I watch my future crumble in my hands
Ohne dich
I run until my legs hurt like my heart
Ohne dich
I am destroyed, piece by piece
Ohne dich
There is nothing left of me
Ohne dich
I will scream it in another tongue
Wie kannst du mir das antun?

Cry (14/12/15)

All the times I cried for you:
When I poured out my heart at 3am
When I realised how I really felt
When I told you that I loved you
When you gently let me down
When I remembered all the things you’d said
When I still dreamed of you four months later
When he couldn’t make me happy because he wasn’t you
When you kissed me then changed your mind
When you told me that you wanted me
When you were far away
When you told me I was beautiful
When I thought I made you mad
When I thought I wasn’t good enough
When I thought I loved you more than you loved me
When I thought I bothered you
When I made things awkward
When you didn’t speak for weeks
When I thought I had done wrong
When I knew that you were hurting
When I knew that it was coming
When I thought of life without you
When you said you couldn’t go on
When I begged and prayed for you to stay
When you finally let me go.

Tears still want to come when I’m alone
But I will them back into my skull.
My goal of apathy may seem cruel
But darling, I can’t keep crying for you.

December 13th, 8:30PM (13/12/2015)

I want to write about heartbreak
And all the ways I hurt.
But with heartbreak, I don’t feel anything in my chest.
Instead, my eyes strain, bulging
With the force of a thousand teardrops behind them.
I want a song about the way my cheeks feel tight
From all the dried-up tears that streak them
And how my nose is raw and running,
Dribbling like a filthy infant’s.

Or how about the way my stomach rumbles
Because I made my dinner, sat down to eat
Before you told me we were done.
I made my favourite; you made me cry,
And now I hate the sight of it.

Blindfolded (7/12/15)

Hands and wrists bound, in
The way I wish your heart was to mine.
Only blackness greets my eyelids
Only crisp air caresses my face.

I do not know who took my sight.
Maybe it was me, in a fit of anxious frenzy
Or you did it without even noticing.

Someone whispers in my ear;
Tells me that one step means the end.
My foot hovers in thin air like a hook –
The moment it touches a river’s surface
About to plunge into the water for a fish.

For fear, I cannot make myself move.
I hear your footsteps echo somewhere
Somewhere far away from me.
I cannot call out to you.
What if you were to pull this mask off my face
Let me stare into a lonely abyss
Before you push me to my doom, alone?

But the whispers will not stop
And you have not come to save me
And I am stuck, foot aloft, eyes blind
Fearful of a fateful step
And longing for the touch of your hand
A hand that will pull me back from the edge
A hand that will touch my whitened face
A hand that will rip the cover from my eyes
And will show me that the abyss was never there.


Snow (3/12/15)

December brought snowflakes.
I pile them in my hands
Dreading that they will slip through my fingers
Frozen winds turn my tears to ice
But I shield the flakes as best I can.
Tiny glittering stars of a better time
A time of midnight talks
And drunken kisses
And your arms around me.
They glisten in my chilled palms
And I wait for the inevitable wind
Or the heat of my body that I hold them close to
Or the invisible, quiet pass of time
To tear them all away from me.