For when I thought the end of my relationship would kill me, but a year later I’m better and I’ve achieved so much by myself since my breakup – getting a distinction in my Masters, self-publishing a poetry book, getting internships and scholarships, getting my first full-time job, meeting and befriending one of my writing inspirations, finally making plans to move out of my parents’ house – and I did all of it without him there.
A year ago today
I didn’t know I’d held your hand for the last time
And I thought you turned me into the best version of me
I thought I’d need to sit on your shoulders to touch the sky
But I built my own ladder when you went away
I didn’t need your steady hand to catch me
Because I didn’t fall.
I look at the woman in the mirror
And I can see it written all over her face:
I made myself better without holding your hand.
Sorry for the lack of posts, I’m still working on the collection and some other projects. Here’s one I wrote today, that I’m thinking will go in the book.
I was twenty and you were twenty-one
And you pulled my hair back while
I drenched the darkened pavement in bile
When you’d only just met me and didn’t know me at all
I was twenty-one and you were twenty-two
And I wasn’t satisfied with him
But I smiled and I just held it all in
But you made me laugh at midnight with no effort at all
I will be twenty-two and you are twenty-three
You won’t talk to me or even say
“Happy twenty-second birthday.”
Because I realise now you never really cared at all
Another old poem I found on my phone that I wrote in summer 2015. I tried my hand at a sonnet this time. Not exactly Shakespeare but I still quite like it, even if it hurts to read it again now.
You are the crescendo of a love song:
I am drowned in your perfect melody.
I thought I’d never love and I was wrong
You awoke a fevered passion in me.
I keep the memories of darkened nights,
Kisses so easily taken from you
And sleeping cities with the brightest lights
And your hand in mine, we, the special two.
My mind rests in sweet silence with your touch
My fingers, your spine, my hair and your eyes
I didn’t know that I could feel this much
I was always dark, hoping for sunrise.
And you have brought the birdsong with the dawn
And all the fears I had for us are gone.
I bury the pain in soil
Crush it beneath dirt and damp
But it comes back, screaming
I AM NOT ENOUGH
It grew roots when it was down there
Thick like fingers, gripping me tight
And I got pulled into the dirt
While the petals wrapped me
And the thorns spiked me
And all the while it screeched
I AM NOT ENOUGH
I AM NOT ENOUGH
It howls into my scratched ear
I AM NOT ENOUGH FOR LOVE
I AM NOT ENOUGH FOR HIM TO MISS
I AM NOT ENOUGH FOR HIM TO REGRET
I AM NOT ENOUGH FOR HIM TO COME BACK
BUT I AM ENOUGH FOR ISOLATION.
I AM TOO MUCH OF WHAT HE DOESN’T NEED
I AM TOO MUCH OF WHAT HE DOESN’T WANT
I AM TOO MUCH OF WHAT SHOULD BE GONE
I AM TOO MUCH OF EVERYTHING THAT I SHOULDN’T BE
Strangle me to death in your roots
Because it would hurt less than these truths.
I found some rough poems on my phone when I went through deleting things the other day. This one is a few months old, and I had intended to refine it, but there’s no point now, so I’ll just post it as it is.
I call them spiders.
They’ll hide from everybody else
But not from me.
Sometimes I’ll forget they’re there
And then a reminder:
I can’t drive them out.
They won’t leave
But for you, they’ll quieten.
Spiders die in my brain
And butterflies bloom in my stomach
When you look at me.
When you’ve kissed my lips until they’re sore
And said the sweetest things of all
Just for a moment.
Because I never felt this happy
That it could drown out all my sorrows
Even for a split second.
And we lie there
Skin on skin
And you ask me what I’m thinking about
And I say
And it’s perfect.
Because in those brief moments
There are no spiders
No skittering legs
No frenzied whispers
No you’re not good enoughs
You’re no cure, but this bliss
Will keep me fighting
And I can finally appreciate
The beauty in the silence
I’m sorry for causing a scene.
I’m sorry for all the times I cried
When it was on the shoulders of your friends
When it was into my pillow because I thought I’d lost you
When it was into my pillow when I finally lost you.
I’m sorry for being angry.
I’m sorry for all the times I yelled
When I thought you wouldn’t read my work
When I got grumpy for no damn reason
When I had nothing left to lose.
I’m sorry for ending it like this.
I’m sorry for lying when I have to
When I said I’d still be there for you
When I forgot for a second how much it hurt me
When I said that it was all okay.
I’m sorry for not being enough.
I’m sorry for trying because I was in love
When I tried to be everything you wanted
When I tried to be the best you’d ever had
When I still couldn’t hold onto you.
I’m sorry for not being something you’ll miss.
I’m sorry for having to go on now
When I realised you had no hope for us
When I realised you wouldn’t fight for us
When I realised I’d never be able to save us.