Sorry for the lack of posts, I’m still working on the collection and some other projects. Here’s one I wrote today, that I’m thinking will go in the book.
I was twenty and you were twenty-one
And you pulled my hair back while
I drenched the darkened pavement in bile
When you’d only just met me and didn’t know me at all
I was twenty-one and you were twenty-two
And I wasn’t satisfied with him
But I smiled and I just held it all in
But you made me laugh at midnight with no effort at all
I will be twenty-two and you are twenty-three
You won’t talk to me or even say
“Happy twenty-second birthday.”
Because I realise now you never really cared at all
I bury the pain in soil
Crush it beneath dirt and damp
But it comes back, screaming
I AM NOT ENOUGH
It grew roots when it was down there
Thick like fingers, gripping me tight
And I got pulled into the dirt
While the petals wrapped me
And the thorns spiked me
And all the while it screeched
I AM NOT ENOUGH
I AM NOT ENOUGH
It howls into my scratched ear
I AM NOT ENOUGH FOR LOVE
I AM NOT ENOUGH FOR HIM TO MISS
I AM NOT ENOUGH FOR HIM TO REGRET
I AM NOT ENOUGH FOR HIM TO COME BACK
BUT I AM ENOUGH FOR ISOLATION.
I AM TOO MUCH OF WHAT HE DOESN’T NEED
I AM TOO MUCH OF WHAT HE DOESN’T WANT
I AM TOO MUCH OF WHAT SHOULD BE GONE
I AM TOO MUCH OF EVERYTHING THAT I SHOULDN’T BE
Strangle me to death in your roots
Because it would hurt less than these truths.
I’m sorry for causing a scene.
I’m sorry for all the times I cried
When it was on the shoulders of your friends
When it was into my pillow because I thought I’d lost you
When it was into my pillow when I finally lost you.
I’m sorry for being angry.
I’m sorry for all the times I yelled
When I thought you wouldn’t read my work
When I got grumpy for no damn reason
When I had nothing left to lose.
I’m sorry for ending it like this.
I’m sorry for lying when I have to
When I said I’d still be there for you
When I forgot for a second how much it hurt me
When I said that it was all okay.
I’m sorry for not being enough.
I’m sorry for trying because I was in love
When I tried to be everything you wanted
When I tried to be the best you’d ever had
When I still couldn’t hold onto you.
I’m sorry for not being something you’ll miss.
I’m sorry for having to go on now
When I realised you had no hope for us
When I realised you wouldn’t fight for us
When I realised I’d never be able to save us.
I always thought of German as familiar and romantic but I guess it is also a good language for when you want to scream the house down when you are in the worst kind of emotional pain.
All I can see is black
I am lost here in this darkness
Why would you leave me like this
I watch my future crumble in my hands
I run until my legs hurt like my heart
I am destroyed, piece by piece
There is nothing left of me
I will scream it in another tongue
Wie kannst du mir das antun?
All the times I cried for you:
When I poured out my heart at 3am
When I realised how I really felt
When I told you that I loved you
When you gently let me down
When I remembered all the things you’d said
When I still dreamed of you four months later
When he couldn’t make me happy because he wasn’t you
When you kissed me then changed your mind
When you told me that you wanted me
When you were far away
When you told me I was beautiful
When I thought I made you mad
When I thought I wasn’t good enough
When I thought I loved you more than you loved me
When I thought I bothered you
When I made things awkward
When you didn’t speak for weeks
When I thought I had done wrong
When I knew that you were hurting
When I knew that it was coming
When I thought of life without you
When you said you couldn’t go on
When I begged and prayed for you to stay
When you finally let me go.
Tears still want to come when I’m alone
But I will them back into my skull.
My goal of apathy may seem cruel
But darling, I can’t keep crying for you.